Hi friend,

We need to talk about grief. We need to have an open conversation where I can share with you some pretty ugly stuff that comes with grief.  We need to have this conversation because at some point you may encounter a young mom who had to say goodbye to her baby, and my dear friend, I want you to know how to help her.

I get that this isn’t the stuff you want to read. I get that this isn’t the stuff you want to think about. You want to fill your day with happy thoughts, funny cat videos, and uplifting quotes. I want that, too (not the cat videos – I’m just not a cat person – sorry). I have had such internal conflict over the past few months over navigating social media in my current state. Do I give you every cry of my soul, discouraging feeling, and a true picture of my vulnerable, battered heart?  Do I put on a fake happy face, share only moments that convey smiles, and pretend life is good? Is there a middle ground?

I never want to pour out negative emotions on social media. I really want to fill the cyber void with hope and positivity. So what do you do when you are down? When you are low? When you are broken? When you don’t have a lot of hope to write about? How do you stay honest and positive? I don’t know the answers. That is why my social media has been more quiet than usual these past few months.

But there is something you need to know. There is something that the grieving mother
who will look back on me as the mom who went through something similar needs to know, and this is it:  losing your baby is HARD. It will shake you to your core. It will tear you down in ways you didn’t know were possible.
It will lead you to question everything you thought you knew to be true. It will leave you feeling hopeless, helpless, and so profoundly alone. Your arms will ache because they were preparing for a baby they do not get to hold. Your ears will deceive you in the middle of the night convincing your
head they hear tiny infant cries. Your heart will break a thousand times over every second you look in the direction where a crib should be placed in your room, and your soul will be crushed when no one else mentions your little one’s name in a conversation.

I don’t want other moms to ever experience the pain I have felt. It would be my heart’s prayer that no mom ever has to say goodbye to her baby, but that is not reality. This world is sinful, and this world is broken, and babies die. That sucks. That is unfair. That is just a horrible, awful part of life. It will happen again. It will happen to other moms, and there is something that these moms need to know about the months that are to follow.

I know moms who have lost their babies. I turned to those moms after I said goodbye to my Ella. I needed their help as I walked this road of grief. I remembered back to the weeks and months that followed after each of them had to say goodbye to their very own baby. Some moms I was very close to and saw an intimate view of grief, and some moms I watched from afar.

This is what I have learned from watching and talking to other moms and then trying to navigate grief myself:

There is NO right way to grieve. Some grieve openly. Some grieve privately. No one is doing it better. No one is doing it the wrong way. There is no quick way to grieve. Expect to be a different person. This new version of yourself is going to have to relearn how to live. It’s not easy, so be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time – not weeks, not months. Think much longer. You may get mad at God. You may ask why. You may yell. You may cry. You may stay in bed all day. You may hate baby showers and pregnancy announcements. You may hate yourself when you have these thoughts about others’ growing bellies or new babies. You are hurting, and grief is ugly. Someone once told me its ok to be mad at God. He’s a big guy – He can take it.

But when you are mad at God and yelling and crying at Him, please don’t forget this:

He was with YOU the moment you learned your baby was no longer alive. He was with YOU when your heart broke into a million pieces, and He is with YOU still. So every time you feel the need to yell and scream and fall apart – it’s ok – because HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. Your precious baby is safe in His arms, but He is holding YOU as well.

Dear friend, if you are a mom who had to give your baby back to our Heavenly Father, my heart breaks for you right now, and my heart breaks with yours right now. If I could, I would reach through your computer screen to give you a hug and tell you that this life we live is broken and unfair, and no one should ever feel the pain that is currently engulfing your heart. Please listen to this advice that I have been given as I relearn how to live without my baby:

Find other moms who have walked the road which lies ahead of you. Please reach out to me or any other mom you know who has lost her baby. We are a community built on shared pain. We will never hold any thought, feeling, or action against you, ever. We are a safe space that has open arms of compassion to embrace your grieving soul. Another mom introduced me to an online community called Hope Mommies. Go to them. Get involved or just read their posts online. Let others help you through this valley you are walking through. You are not alone.

Dear friend, if you know a mom who is grieving, please listen to me just a little bit longer. Please show her kindness as she hurts.  Every mom grieves differently.  For this reason I can’t tell you if it is better to give her space or keep her company. You will have to ask the Lord to guide you how to best help her. So far in my short walk on this grief road, I have learned that every mom needs at least two things:

1) a community that understands what she is going through

Connect her to other moms who have lost babies.  Help her find that community.  Encourage her to reach out to that community.  

2) to know her baby has not been forgotten

When weeks turn into months and it seems the rest of the world has moved on, ask her how she is doing (really ask her), mention her baby by name, tell her you think of her sweet baby and how heaven is such a beautiful place. Tell her that you can’t wait to meet her baby when you get there.  

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thank you my friend, for letting me share my grieving heart today. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this so other moms out there know that they are not alone.

This road is treacherous. It is long, and it is lonely.  It is not a road I would have ever wanted to walk.  But as I walk THROUGH this valley of the shadow of death, I am not alone.  This I hold as truth.  This I know for certain.  I do not know what life looks like at the other end of this valley, but I believe the Bible when it says “God works all things together for good” (Romans 8:28). And so today I choose hope.