Category Archives: grief

Choose Thankfulness

The holidays are fast approaching. I have always loved the holidays. I love the family traditions. I love the Christmas music. I love the gathering of family and friends. I love the laughs and the food and the memories.

This season is different. This season has me scared. I am trying to figure out how to go about approaching this upcoming season. I would like to crawl in bed and hide under the covers until it is over. That seems like the easiest way to survive this season. I realize that hiding is not the best way to live through this season, but that may be all I can handle.

Last year we had our first holiday season in the DR. We experienced a missionary Thanksgiving filled with laughter, wine, great food, games, and hymns. I think back to what a great day that was. I was so thankful then… for everything. Wow, God was good. I praised Him for it. I thanked Him for the wonderful friends that surrounded us, the new traditions we were starting, and the celebrations we were having with my little family all there. I remember sitting back and watching my two daughters and my husband laughing with friends they had made over the past few months. Friendships that they already held so dear I knew they would last a lifetime. Now I look back on that day, and I smile because it was so good… and then I wince. I wince because there is also pain. There is pain because Thanksgiving was also the beginning of my journey with Ella, and the pain of her journey is still so fresh that even the great memories hurt deeply.

This Thanksgiving will be different. This Thanksgiving there is a hole in my heart, and it is painful. This Thanksgiving I do not feel very thankful. It is sometimes hard to look past the pain. It is hard to look past the void of a baby that should consume my night and day. The void of diapers I should be changing, cries I should be soothing, and meals I should be feeding. That void is very evident to me in every moment.  This Thanksgiving my family will not all be at the table. I will not sit back and silently watch them all have fun. I expect this to be a very painful reality on what used to be such a happy day. I feel as if I am bracing for a storm of emotions to overtake me. Maybe the storm will be fierce and leave a path of destruction behind it. Maybe the storm will not be as severe as predicted. With storms it is hard to know how strong they will be before they hit. This is what makes me want to hide in bed.

Thankful treeA  common theme in the moms’ support group I am a part of is “choose hope.” Hope is a choice. Hope is a choice because we don’t always feel hopeful. We often feel hopeless, helpless, stuck in a pit of despair. We are not. Even when it feels like we are, we are not stuck in a pit of despair. We are not helpless, and we are not hopeless. So we must choose hope – choose to recognize hope – the hope that is given to us by our loving God.

This is how I have decided to approach this Thanksgiving. I will choose thankfulness. I will choose to acknowledge my thankfulness each day. Our family began a thankful tree at the start of November. It is good to say out loud the things we are thankful for and it is good to write them down. It is good to say out loud the good in our lives so the good is not drowned out by the bad. I will choose thankfulness because I am thankful. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I know that. But being thankful does not take away the pain.


An attitude of thankfulness is commanded by God. It is His will for us. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13. “All circumstances” includes grief. We should be thankful in the midst of our pain. Thankfulness, just like hope, takes a lot more of your energy when you are in the midst of grieving. Thankfulness is a constant choice, not an emotional reaction. Thankfulness can be draining. Some moments I succeed in choosing thankfulness. Some moments I do not.       

give thanksI am realizing that when you are grieving, you are often a mix of contradictions. Even when you have good days, it still hurts. When you make happy memories, you feel sadness because someone is still missing. When you laugh, you think back to how much you recently cried. And when you are thankful, you still deeply ache for the one who is no longer with you. I imagine this holiday season I will have struggles, and I will have triumphs. If my struggles are many and my triumphs are few, that is ok.

I will choose thankfulness. In choosing thankfulness, I am still sad. That is ok. God sees me. He knows my thoughts. He knows my pain. He is my help. He is what will get me through the tough moments this season, and He is the reason I am thankful. He will give me peace. Peace that I will not be able to comprehend. Peace that will see me through.

“Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:2.

This Thanksgiving I will not be able to look at each member of my little family and be thankful that they are all with me; they are not.  One of them is spending Thanksgiving with Jesus.  While I rejoice for her, I grieve for me.  My heart hurts this holiday, but God is still good and I will still praise Him.  Now Thank we all our God

October 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Hi friend,

We need to talk about grief. We need to have an open conversation where I can share with you some pretty ugly stuff that comes with grief.  We need to have this conversation because at some point you may encounter a young mom who had to say goodbye to her baby, and my dear friend, I want you to know how to help her.

I get that this isn’t the stuff you want to read. I get that this isn’t the stuff you want to think about. You want to fill your day with happy thoughts, funny cat videos, and uplifting quotes. I want that, too (not the cat videos – I’m just not a cat person – sorry). I have had such internal conflict over the past few months over navigating social media in my current state. Do I give you every cry of my soul, discouraging feeling, and a true picture of my vulnerable, battered heart?  Do I put on a fake happy face, share only moments that convey smiles, and pretend life is good? Is there a middle ground?

I never want to pour out negative emotions on social media. I really want to fill the cyber void with hope and positivity. So what do you do when you are down? When you are low? When you are broken? When you don’t have a lot of hope to write about? How do you stay honest and positive? I don’t know the answers. That is why my social media has been more quiet than usual these past few months.

But there is something you need to know. There is something that the grieving mother
who will look back on me as the mom who went through something similar needs to know, and this is it:  losing your baby is HARD. It will shake you to your core. It will tear you down in ways you didn’t know were possible.
ellas-cornerIt will lead you to question everything you thought you knew to be true. It will leave you feeling hopeless, helpless, and so profoundly alone. Your arms will ache because they were preparing for a baby they do not get to hold. Your ears will deceive you in the middle of the night convincing your
head they hear tiny infant cries. Your heart will break a thousand times over every second you look in the direction where a crib should be placed in your room, and your soul will be crushed when no one else mentions your little one’s name in a conversation.

I don’t want other moms to ever experience the pain I have felt. It would be my heart’s prayer that no mom ever has to say goodbye to her baby, but that is not reality. This world is sinful, and this world is broken, and babies die. That sucks. That is unfair. That is just a horrible, awful part of life. It will happen again. It will happen to other moms, and there is something that these moms need to know about the months that are to follow.

I know moms who have lost their babies. I turned to those moms after I said goodbye to my Ella. I needed their help as I walked this road of grief. I remembered back to the weeks and months that followed after each of them had to say goodbye to their very own baby. Some moms I was very close to and saw an intimate view of grief, and some moms I watched from afar.

This is what I have learned from watching and talking to other moms and then trying to navigate grief myself:

There is NO right way to grieve. Some grieve openly. Some grieve privately. No one is doing it better. No one is doing it the wrong way. There is no quick way to grieve. Expect to be a different person. This new version of yourself is going to have to relearn how to live. It’s not easy, so be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time – not weeks, not months. Think much longer. You may get mad at God. You may ask why. You may yell. You may cry. You may stay in bed all day. You may hate baby showers and pregnancy announcements. You may hate yourself when you have these thoughts about others’ growing bellies or new babies. You are hurting, and grief is ugly. Someone once told me its ok to be mad at God. He’s a big guy – He can take it.

gabriella-faith
courtesy of birthblessingsphotography.com

But when you are mad at God and yelling and crying at Him, please don’t forget this:

He was with YOU the moment you learned your baby was no longer alive. He was with YOU when your heart broke into a million pieces, and He is with YOU still. So every time you feel the need to yell and scream and fall apart – it’s ok – because HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. Your precious baby is safe in His arms, but He is holding YOU as well.

Dear friend, if you are a mom who had to give your baby back to our Heavenly Father, my heart breaks for you right now, and my heart breaks with yours right now. If I could, I would reach through your computer screen to give you a hug and tell you that this life we live is broken and unfair, and no one should ever feel the pain that is currently engulfing your heart. Please listen to this advice that I have been given as I relearn how to live without my baby:

Find other moms who have walked the road which lies ahead of you. Please reach out to me or any other mom you know who has lost her baby. We are a community built on shared pain. We will never hold any thought, feeling, or action against you, ever. We are a safe space that has open arms of compassion to embrace your grieving soul. Another mom introduced me to an online community called Hope Mommies. Go to them. Get involved or just read their posts online. Let others help you through this valley you are walking through. You are not alone.

Dear friend, if you know a mom who is grieving, please listen to me just a little bit longer. Please show her kindness as she hurts.  Every mom grieves differently.  For this reason I can’t tell you if it is better to give her space or keep her company. You will have to ask the Lord to guide you how to best help her. So far in my short walk on this grief road, I have learned that every mom needs at least two things:

1) a community that understands what she is going through

Connect her to other moms who have lost babies.  Help her find that community.  Encourage her to reach out to that community.  

2) to know her baby has not been forgotten

When weeks turn into months and it seems the rest of the world has moved on, ask her how she is doing (really ask her), mention her baby by name, tell her you think of her sweet baby and how heaven is such a beautiful place. Tell her that you can’t wait to meet her baby when you get there.  

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thank you my friend, for letting me share my grieving heart today. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this so other moms out there know that they are not alone.

Romans 8/28

This road is treacherous. It is long, and it is lonely.  It is not a road I would have ever wanted to walk.  But as I walk THROUGH this valley of the shadow of death, I am not alone.  This I hold as truth.  This I know for certain.  I do not know what life looks like at the other end of this valley, but I believe the Bible when it says “God works all things together for good” (Romans 8:28). And so today I choose hope. 

 

 

choose hope